Saturday, March 19, 2011

I often use the word "balance" when I am thinking "control".  Self-control, learning how to deal with socialization, and letting go of the things you can't control are a life-long struggle for us folks with bipolar. Unless you get into the overmedicated place where you aren't sure if you are dead or alive. The idea, according to my shrink, is to keep your emotions delicately balanced (usually on the almost hypo-manic side) with just enough medication, but not enough to become an emotional and intellectual wasteland. It can be overwhelming.
Doctors are now conducting research on using electromagnets to balance the brain waves and neural patterns. This sounds great, but every meal comes with a check.
There has been a lot of research verifying the extreme creativity which usually accompanies bipolar disorder.
So I wonder- what would happen if I tried this new treatment? Would it strip away my creativity? ECT (a.k.a. "Shock Therapy") is still performed today, although they don't know why it works. The check: memory loss. I cannot deal with the thought of that. My memories are very dear to me, and also I've always believed the phrase that those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it. And I've earned those memories.
I have earned all the little victories I have won during my battle with Bipolar.  I cling to them on the bad days, and set myself new goals.
An example: one day a friend of mine told me I used my tongue like a whip. I thought about this a lot, and (though he is generally an idiot, lol) this friend was right. I would take out my anger and wound people in the moment, very carefully because I know how to wield words as a weapon. And words hurt; people forgive, sometimes, but people rarely forget those corrosive words. Since then, I no longer seek to wound. I would rather remain silent than hurt another person. Heavens, it has taken a lot of thought, tongue biting, and care. I am still a blunt person, because I hate lies. But I try to think for a second before I weigh in on something. Sometimes that second has saved a friendship.
Now that communication is an instantaneous now- everything faster, I am trying to adapt my texting to fit in with my "do no harm" mindset. And it's not easy. I just hurt a person dear to me by an impetuous text. So now I need to read and re-read every text before I put it out there.
It's time for me to start apologizing. And I know how to start. Wish me luck....

1 comment:

  1. Sally, I wish you would come back to blogging. I would love to hear your voice out here again. :) Just my 2 cents.